Help My Parenting!
Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Parenting is a lot of things and at it’s core it’s about trust and being intentional. We have a tremendous responsibility with our children to love them intentionally. This includes moving towards our children. We engage them in conversations guiding them throughout their life as they develop and grow. Sounds easy enough, right?
A Strong Foundation
Parents are continuously modeling for their children. From our marriage and the ways we treat our spouse to the ways we discipline we are revealing our heart towards relationships. We send a message and it’s important to know what we’re feeling to know what we’re sending. It’s not unusual for me to sit down with a couple or see in my own life how our perceived shame or fear of failure can impact our parenting.
We can go so far as to over or under parent depending on our perceived fears of our children’s future. We can make irrational connections at a young age thinking that somehow the ways in which they straighten up their room on a Wednesday evening will somehow determine their success later in life in future relationships. We question if they lied to us about brushing their teeth and if this is the path that sends them into a life of deceit and possible addiction. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike a drivers license, teaching certification, or counseling license, parenting is often learned solely by personal experience. However, as you’ll read, it doesn’t have to be this way.
The first tool I would like to introduce is something often called, the parenting funnel. While there’s no exact silver bullet to parenting there are some great resources out there. This resource helps parents to recognize three distinct stages of parenting:
Establishing Nurtured Authority for ages 0-6
Developing Nurtured Responsibility for ages 7-12
Facilitating Nurtured Independence for ages 13 +
3 Gen Ministries encourages parents not to get this order backwards. Many parents are tempted out of frustration, embarrassment or exhaustion to extend too many freedoms early in life. What results is often a power struggle, inconsistency and once specific freedoms have been given a child will do just about anything to protect it! Convenient parenting can be seen when the child is given just about whatever they want at an early age with little authority. The word “authority” has a strong connotation and one I will associate for a young child with protection and safety. When we parent intentionally the child is loved and cared for in an age appropriate way with the expectation that we will lovingly guide them towards a healthy independence as they get older.
Think about the ages of your children. Where do they fall in the parenting funnel? Have you or are you currently treating them according to their age and stage with the expectation of helping to shape a healthy and responsible adult child? Children have full permission to act their age and we will love them unconditionally and respond to them accordingly.
If we had more time for a class or seminar we can look slowly at how to love and support our children intentionally while they are in these stages. How we respond to a 3 year old having a tantrum is certainly different than a teenager. What is it they believe they need in this time? Where are they going for comfort? What can I do to convey my understanding and love and move towards them in a way that aligns with my values as a parent?
The stages are there by design to help prepare our children for a lifelong process. One that includes making some really hard decisions and learning more about themselves and those around them. Children that skipped guided learning in these stages may find themselves feeling overprotected or under protected. If we’re not mindful we can easily instill a fear of failure. For example, during the Responsibility stage, ages 7-12, 3 Gen Ministries says this, “During this stage, kids need to learn to be CONTRIBUTORS in your home, and not just CONSUMERS that live there. They can and should take responsibility for thinks like setting and clearing the table, loading the dishwasher, folding laundry, feeding and caring for pets, and taking out the trash. In this phase, freedoms are given over time, but structure and consequences are still a big part of your parenting plan.”
You can imagine the adjustment and consistency this would take transitioning from one stage to the next.
What are the benefits of each person knowing they play a part and contribute for the greater good?
The Parenting Performance Trap
I can remember a time in my life where I bought into the lie that my performance as a parent would somehow keep my children safe and protect their future. While there’s great wisdom in parenting intentionally, I was putting unrealistic expectations on myself and my kids to do things perfectly today to promise them something neither of us can control tomorrow. Parenting has a divine way of revealing our own brokenness including our selfishness and shame, fear and our desire for control and over time, our inconsistency.
We are dependent, none more perhaps then in parenting. We have been entrusted our children, but the good news is ultimately they belong to the LORD. God has ordained that we would raise our kids for as long as He sees fit. Because He’s in control and provides our needs we can trust that He will look after and care for our kids even beyond our perceived strengths or limitations. With this faith we can parent intentionally and provide our children with the gift of the freedom to fail. After all, there is great learning for each of us in difficulty, disappointment and failure.
Discipline in the Home
For parents, especially men that think your heavy hand of discipline will keep the child from the pain you fear in their life, or fix a problem with disrespect, think again. It’s good to engage in conversations and address your concerns until the parent loses control and says or does something that can be damaging. Acknowledge your fears, accept that any action out of impulse or anger needs to be checked. Consider if specific fears may be leading you to the comfort of control. Respond with nurture and care, remain consistent in the authority you already have as the adult. When you need a break, take it. Go for a walk, call a friend, go to the gym, put on a show for your child, not the IPAD or Smartphone. Do what you have to do to respond in a way that helps you parent well and intentionally. You can work with a counselor, coach, friends and family that can help guide you in your responses towards your children when you see behaviors that concern you. Being afraid as a parent is very common and at some point, each of us acts out of fear to try and regain control. There is another way.
There are so many resources for parents (see below) and we are not alone!
No Perfect Parenting, Embrace Community!
As you can imagine, with almost 20 years of working in education and the years of meeting with families as a Licensed Counselor I have seen a lot and can write extensively about about this topic. It doesn’t mean I parent perfectly. We are never meant to achieve perfect parenting and our child’s happiness should not be our chief daily goal.
One way that we learn to parent intentionally is by seeing our need for one another in raising our kids. At some point a child leans into the guidance of someone outside of mom and dad. My youth pastor, Pastor Chris taught me about dating, marriage, and how to contribute to the community around me. The most important gift he gave me was spending time with me and taking interest in my life. Through the time together I felt seen, cared for and learned a lot about questions I didn’t even know that I had. Chris invited me to travel on teams for missions trips where we contributed to the people in Peru and Honduras. He provided an outlet for me to play the drums and grow in faith. I was living in the Independent stage actually doing independent things under some incredible guidance.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized just how profound his influence was in my life. I am thankful my mom didn’t overprotect with my time in youth group or take away from me the awesome opportunity of traveling around the world. I am amazed she didn’t question why I wanted to play the drums to some wild and crazy music or try to align my identity to my grades or performance. We need each other and I encourage you and I to look to the loving community around us. Filter your family’s influence and when appropriate, partner with your children’s teachers, friend’s parents, Aunts and Uncles, youth leaders and others that can foster a meaningful relationship with our children. Are you an Aunt or an Uncle? A Grandparent? Your role is so important in the life of a young person! Share gracefully what you see and encourage the parents you see.
Nobody parents perfectly and we have a lot to learn from one another.
My daughter and I, inspired by the Pierce family mantra in the Christmas Chronicles movies, “A Pierce always sees it through” have developed one of our own. We have committed to the following, “Neuer’s don’t give up on the good things.” One of which is parenting as a team with my wife and community intentionally.. Not perfectly, intentionally.
Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC. Josh helps individuals, families, businesses and communities receive hope and healing that literally changes the world! Josh is passionate about empowering meaningful change in people including growing communities and team cultures. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!