The Good News
The Divorce Rate is Not 50%!
Research by Shaunti Feldhahn and others has revealed that the divorce rate is NOT 50% as it is often projected. While it’s difficult to measure, Feldhahn projects that first time marriages fall somewhere around 25%. She states, “If those in the ‘most troubled’ marriages category stick with it, 80% are very happy five years later!” Feldhahn goes on to reveal a game changing truth in that, “regular [church] attendance drops the divorce rate anywhere from 25 to 50% - or more!”
One Harvard study revealed that once-weekly church attendance reduced divorce risk by 57% (religion and health: a synthesis; VanderWeele, 2017).
Focus On The Family has noted that couples can actually help each other stay healthier and live longer. Numerous studies by the University of Chicago, Rochester and Harvard Medical School have shown that marriage can lower stress, improve sleep, protect your heart and help you live longer.
The benefits of marriage are pretty amazing. So, here’s the hard truth… Marriage is a profound mystery and a story of sacrifice and love. There is no perfect marriage; rather, two imperfect and interdependent people. With healing, we can be incompetent and unashamed. The fruit of such a pursuit can lead to honesty and intimacy. Jim Daly, President of Focus On The Family has shared encouragement that as couples grow together our marriages can be what they were designed to be, “...a story of man’s longing to give himself to another and to receive the other’s gift of self. And a story of God’s gift that satisfies that longing in a way no other human relationship can.”
5 Steps Towards Help in Marriage
1.) Slow Down
Each individual brings many years of wounds and baggage from their life before meeting one another. These wounds produce a pattern in the relationship. The patterns can be both learned and changed. Slow down, reflect and seek to name the pattern.
2.) Stop Comparing to "Normal"
Have you seen normal lately? It looks like causal separation, an obsession with "I" and what "I deserve" and often relationships made up of passivity or fierce independence. What about a whole relationship in dependence where God is the Lead? What about two people working together to love one another, willing to do their work of daily surrender and often, necessary change.
3.) Embrace the Imperfect and Join in Community
Perfect relationships are not only overrated, they are completely a hoax. When we stop comparing ourselves and check our expectations we can embrace our emotions, but not let them take the lead. We must stop taking ourselves so seriously and address our needs/demands that drive us down in relationships. Types like the Clifton Strengths, Enneagram, Love Languages and Myers Briggs can help reveal not only our longings, but also our capacity to hurt others in relationships. With grace, embrace the imperfect in your self and your spouse and find support in community.
We were never meant to do this alone and sadly, many of us do. Find another couple to do life with and share openly and honestly. Consider support groups like Re|Engage or Re:Generation.
4.) Start Dating Again!
Remember when you were dating and you just wanted to be together? It didn't matter what you did, you just wanted to be together. Stop being ruled by your calendar and let the time work for you. What do you want to do together - move towards your lover and come together to create time to enjoy together. Be intentional and consider creating a weekly or bi-weekly date night. Find a trusted sitter, pay them and create the uninterrupted time together. Other options include quiet mornings together.
5.) Humility and Appreciation
Have you ever realized how much your lover has helped shape the person you are today? Without humility (thinking of yourself less), meekness (strength under control) or appreciation (valuing the person in front of you) an intimate relationship can easily become one filled with criticism, resentment and bitterness. Marriage often requires hard work where you give more than any other relationship. In utter dependence to the LORD, individuals trust one another enough to listen, communicate their needs and slow down to grow together.
Like chapters in a book, your marriage is telling a story. For generations the community around you will be changed because of the way you loved your lover! Invest in your marriage by seeking the LORD, be courageous and vulnerable and get help together! Your lover, community and many generations need your authentic self in your marriage! Move towards your lover today!
For couples struggling in their marriage it is important to share your need with others in your community. Remember the great number of people that stood with you when you committed your love to one another? Those are the very same people that can help you now. Identify core feelings of grief, rejection and possible feelings of abandonment. Making the choice to not work through these feelings will likely lead to greater miscommunication and further distrust. Help, healing and hope are available through counseling and resources in our communities. If you or someone you know is struggling in marriage consider talking with someone today about getting help and taking the steps towards healing.
Your Marriage Story is Important and Worth Sharing!
Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC who speaks worldwide about how individuals, families, businesses and communities can find hope and healing that literally changes the world! Josh is passionate about empowering meaningful change in communities and team cultures. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!