Please excuse the title, however, it captures the article in a nutshell. Often when meeting with parents I hear that, while dad may be angry about the child’s behavior towards mom, mom feels like the punching bag. She’s not wrong. When a child feels out of control or helpless they are likely to assert themselves and direct all their angst and negative energy towards the person that is least likely to leave or hurt them; mom. This is especially true of children that present themselves well in other places such as school, church, etc., and at home, mom gets the wrath.

What’s Happening With Your Child

Keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion and that their reaction is likely being fueled by something deeper. Your child may be feeling one or more of the following ways: trapped or controlled, manipulated, forgotten, powerlessness, like they can’t speak up or speak honestly. In addition, as your child grows their body is changing with bursts in development. This leads, not only to physical changes, but also a lot of questions and uncertainty. In the presence of the safest person, mom; a child’s communication may become negative or forceful as a means of exerting a sense of control or release for the tension stored inside from other social settings and difficulties.

Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling in Greenville, SC

What You Can Do

This is complicated because your child needs to share their thoughts and feelings with others. However, this doesn’t have to rest all on mom. It may be helpful to keep in mind why children choose mom. From early nurturing and bonding to the emotional design, in most cases moms are the prime candidate to being viewed as the safest person in a child’s life. I encourage moms to listen and to ask questions that help the children to share. Consider questions that show interest over questions that feel intrusive such as, “why questions.” Mom can show interest with questions such as, “Wow, tell me more about that” or fill in the blank: “Oh, okay, how did you feel when _______ said ________ about/to _________? A child and teen, like adults needs to process and talk things out for a healthy sense of release so they won’t overly internalize. They also need to learn the practice of asking for help in a safe place. These are skills each of us need to learn. Parents can address difficult topics in a safe place with accurate information including talks (not talk, multiple ongoing talks) on sex, changes in the body and the importance of protecting and honoring their body. Author and speaker, Craig Gross has worked with teens and adults regarding sex for over 20 years. He encourages both mom and dad to come together and discuss their own intimacy before initiating the discussion with their children. Then, create the safe place with your child to begin the first initial talk: mom with daughter and dad with son. Then continue the talks with mom and dad together. Talks on sex related to smart phone use and pornography are necessary for establishing boundaries and rules regarding internet use in the home. Pornography accounts for 35% of all downloads with over 1 million downloads a month. Pornography can lead to a distorted sense of self, sex and shame. Parents that talk with their children about sex, pornography and encourage open dialogue in safe places are more likely to have their child share with a parent what they have seen or been exposed to. Ask yourself, what do I do when I need to talk and receive help? Parents can model this through seeking out help themselves. Caution: In families that pride themselves on efficiency or performance, learning to fail and ask for help can be especially difficult leading to increased anxiety and panic or depression. I urge parents to continue the conversation and don’t walk on eggshells.

What About the Punching Bag?

You are not a punching bag, you are a person with feelings. When a child steps over the line it’s your appropriate role to let them know where, exactly they stepped over the line. If your family doesn’t have boundaries, now is the time to start. Here are a few ways a child may step over the line and treat mom like a punching bag: yelling, throwing things, awfulizing with hurtful negative statements directed at mom or dad, hitting, etc. When a child oversteps a boundary it’s very important the parent helps make them aware that they love them and where their behavior went too far. It’s helpful to clear the air and keep in mind that guilt says that I did bad. Shame says I am bad. We want to steer clear of shame. Guilt, or conviction, however can lead to accountable changes in behavior and healthy thinking. When a child is in a cycle of negativity or becoming aggressive a parent can simply say, “I hear what you are saying and I will continue this conversation with you when you lower your voice.” I encourage parents not to jump on the child’s emotional roller coaster. Rather, remain calm and set a precedence of what is and is not appropriate behavior in the house. A child is most likely seeking closeness, but on their terms. Help them see that you love them and are addressing their behavior, not their personal value. As a child gets older it’s important a parent realizes the value of moving from a teacher to a coach. Ditch the lectures and “teachable moments” and simply listen, share your own stories that reveal your own short comings with appropriate self-disclosure. We are coming alongside the child, making a connection and guiding them through the moment.

When a child is defensive and the armor is on - that is not the time to battle with them. Take a break, come back to the discussion when you and the child can think clearly and are not guarded. You are not a punching bag and when a child is not acting rationally, you will need to remain calm and firm and help the child understand what you are comfortable with before they continue down a path that may be destructive. The same is true of parents not disciplining in a moment of heightened emotion. Take the time out and think rationally. “Son, we will talk about this later.” When you reinforce boundaries and a child grows older it’s not unusual for a child to come back and apologizes for their behavior. When they apologize, a simple thank you will do. Some parents struggle in this place longer than necessary by choosing to rescue their child prematurely from adversity and spoil their children before giving them the opportunity to learn from their mistake and take time to cope in difficulty. The parent’s own fear and anxiety then interferes with the growth set before the child. What’s lost was an opportunity for difficulty, growth, endurance, and hope. The child that doesn’t learn from difficulty is often the child that fears difficulty, criticism, and even minor change. Mom, you are likely the safest person AND empowered to speak freely in regard to how you will be treated with your family and loved ones.

*In some cases, families may direct their behavior towards one another in a way that is destructive or abusive. If a person ever feels like they are in a situation of safety or abuse they are encouraged to get help through law enforcement and community support. It is not okay to stay stuck in a violent situation with a loved one where you or other family members are in danger. If this is something that is seen as relatively minor and treatable start with boundaries and enforce them along with counseling. If this is beyond boundaries and you are in a situation of danger, call 9-11 and get help immediately.

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Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC who speaks worldwide about how individuals, families, businesses and communities can find hope and healing that literally changes the world! Josh is passionate about empowering meaningful change in communities and team cultures. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!