Redeeming Loneliness
The pitfalls of self are just as much hard to see as they are costly, including shame, isolation and chronic loneliness.
The renowned Professor and Author, Henry Nouwen asserted that we typically believe one or more of the following lies:
* I am what I do
* I am what I have
* I am what people think of me
The obsession with ourselves and the woes of what we do, what we have and what people think of us can keep us from being present with our loved ones, peers and community. The persistent striving for what's ahead can keep us from being mindfully aware of ourselves and others. We can be motivated and driven towards achievement and performance and while that’s not a bad thing, it is often hurting us socially and now we are discovering it’s affecting us more than we realize. Our desire to prove our goodness, abilities and accomplishments can keep each of us from humility, listening, and learning from others. This pattern as we know it, can be a rat race that leads to a spiral of discontent, deceit and loneliness.
The Cost of Self
Self-Righteousness: Sneaky thoughts that I am somehow morally superior due to my goodness
Self-Pity: Preoccupation with myself and how bad I am (shame versus appropriate guilt to own a mistake/pain, not be owned by the mistake/pain)
Self-Confidence: Putting confidence in my flesh is a recipe for unrealistic expectations ignoring our God-given limits and need for something bigger than ourselves
Self-Sufficiency: I am fine by myself and don’t need you. No man or woman is an island and yet our culture is plagued by chronic loneliness in arguably the most “connected” time in history
Self-Admiration and Self-Promotion: The imprisoning thought that I am merely what I do, what I have or what others think of me. Authentic self-care is fostered in community and in dependence, because it is dependence.
Shame, chronic loneliness and isolation are three topics we don’t talk enough about. Each of these is rooted in self and our fear of intimacy and being known.
Dependence in our culture has become associated with weakness. Let’s be clear, comfort, perceived security and being well liked are not bad things. They in fact are gifts and something worth appreciating and enjoying. The danger, however, is when it comes to fixating on self, we indulge and feed the need for More. The incessant need for more leads to greater insecurity, self-obsession and self-sabotage.
Moving from More to Enough and I to We
How common is loneliness and what can we do to feel less alone and more in touch with our community? Author Shana Schutte explains, “Everyone experiences loneliness. It’s a common denominator in the equation of life. Our natural response is often to run from it or deny it by filling our lives with distractions. God has a better way. When we allow loneliness to do its redemptive work by embracing it, it can promote positive life change.”
When we find our lifestyle, identity and perceived security in what we do, what we have and what others think of us we are likely to feel stuck, more alone and less likely to connect with our community.
When the financially wealthiest person of his time, John D. Rockefeller was asked How Much is Enough his response was, “Just a little bit More.” It’s estimated that this man had 900 million dollars in the year 1913. That would be about the equivalent of 409 billion dollars by today’s standard! If we're not mindful we can find ourselves in a state of constant anticipation, unnecessary hurry and obnoxious hustle. Often what is lost is desired rest, mindful moments, healing in our relationships, genuine contentment and a promised peace that passes understanding. Consider how often we move from a mindful moment to multitasking.
Walter Brueggeman said “Multitasking is the drive to be more than we are, to control more than we do, to extend our power and our effectiveness. Such practices yields a divided self, with attention given to nothing.” Sherry Turkle, Professor of Psychology at MIT noted, “What’s Extraordinary about multitasking is even though you’re doing worse and worse on everything you’re doing, you feel as though you’re doing better and better.” In an over busy and overinformed culture with an obsession of self, dare to be different and choose to mindfully Slow Down and look outside of yourself.
“I had discovered that the opposite of more is enough, that I’d been surrounded by enough, but fear had driven me to accomplish imaginations that didn’t exist rather than living inside the grace of one day.”
After hitting what Best Selling Author, William Paul Young calls rock bottom he said, “I had discovered that the opposite of more is enough, that I’d been surrounded by enough, but fear had driven me to accomplish imaginations that didn’t exist rather than living inside the grace of one day.” After owning a three month affair with his wife, Young shared that it took eleven years to restore his relationship with her. The cost required honesty, willingly receiving help with counsel and love in his community, the risk in rebuilding trust and with change, a lot of grace.
Can you identify with this? Have your fears or wounds kept you bound from living freely? Have there been times in your life where you have found yourself pulling back and isolating from your community? Has the fear of the future or shame of the past kept you feeling stuck? There have been times in my life where I was unknowingly self-sabotaging in relationships to protect myself. The cost of my own self-protection and self-destruction had led to hurt relationships and a lingering fear that I am not enough. I needed help that would come outside of myself including Biblical truth and prayer, good counsel, and the support of authentic community. I also needed humility, that is, to embrace my own humiliation, rather than continuing to feed the need to prove to myself or others that I am enough. Humiliation is often a greater catalyst towards change than affirmation.
C.S. Lewis said it well when he said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.” This is where we can move from self-management and shame to simply accept that we are accepted. Each of us has been invited from sojourning as a wanderer to being welcomed home. Nouwen’s response to who we are is one of confidence and encouragement, “We are not what we do, we are not what we have, we are not what others think of us. Coming home is claiming the truth. I am the beloved child of a loving creator.”
Our human tendency in moments of shame is to hide. Like sheep, we are in need of a shepherd. We were never meant to manage our pain alone. When we move from more to enough and I to we, together, we redeem loneliness.
This is not the end. There is always hope. When we let go of our obsessions and deep insecurities, our assets can stop becoming the liabilities of our mind. We can enjoy and appreciate this present moment while we still have the time with our loved ones. Today we choose to pursue genuine honesty and be transparent with our loved ones, ask for help and receive it, accept who we are and move towards others in healthy relationships. In your grief, don’t give up. There is much hope!
This is the way of redeeming loneliness.
Resources to Help Redeem Loneliness:
Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC. Josh helps individuals, families, businesses and communities receive hope and healing that literally changes the world! Josh is passionate about empowering meaningful change in people including growing communities and team cultures. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!