What I Am Learning: Part 1
This article and the next have been written from personal experience based largely upon the last 2 years of my life. This information includes what I’ve learned and continue to learn in my own life that has helped me see clearly and remain open as a husband and father, friend, business owner and Licensed Counselor.
I’ve learned a few things from incredibly influential people, places and things in my life and I would like to create and capture something that helps me reflect, process and share openly what I am learning. I hope this benefits others in the making. Here is Part 1 of the most recent discoveries that are shaping my reality!
Perception Shapes Your Reality
Every single day we experience life as it unfolds. The weather, other drivers on the road, and the latest news headlines are just a few pieces of information we receive in the day to day. Life is in fact unfolding each new day. As we experience life first there’s the unfolding of the event as it’s happening in real time and then there’s the interpretation and processing of the experience. Each person is processing their own version of the reality of the situation. I think we forget this.
“Each person is processing their own version of the reality of the situation.”
When working with couples and families it’s noticeable to me how different things are perceived and therefore experienced by each individual. This is often where conflict and disagreement can keep one another from learning intently about the other person’s experience and how they can be helpful. Each person’s version can easily become the speck we focus on while missing the massive wall within ourselves. When this happens there is a felt separation and we can lose compassion. We also lose curiosity and partnership when we hold too tightly to rigid thinking and what needs to happen with impatience. It’s a literal tug of war. Each person is holding tightly to their perception developing a regular internal reality.
Let me cut to the chase. When you’re hurt please take the time necessary to grieve. Learn from the experience including what it felt like, what was lost and consider the adjustments necessary to accept the reality of the situation. This is often where people get stuck for years, sometimes decades. I at times have found myself here as well. I’ve recently had this analogy. I envisioned a person walking down a hospital hallway barely walking. They could be out of the hospital in 3 days or remain tethered to this place for 3 months. Someone is walking beside the patient rubbing their back saying things like, “Take it easy, you’re going to be here a while.” With best of intentions we surround ourselves with people that are caring and well meaning. They empathize and even take our side saying things like, “How could they?!” and “They were so wrong!” Maybe so, but if these people in our lives are not helping us accept the reality of what has happened in the past tense and walking with us in the beautiful Now we are likely being coddled and made very comfortable to remain feeling stuck. If changes need to be made in the now, that’s fine, but feeling stuck in the past can be a place we remain for years. This is where resentment and bitterness is encased and often justified because of what someone else has said and done. Misery loves company so mind your companions and influences.
If this seems insensitive or rushed, please read the above paragraph about the importance and necessity of taking the time necessary to grieve and to heal through the adjustment, not simply to remain trapped in the perception that becomes the internal reality. Most recently I’ve teamed up with a few clients and began writing 10 things I’m thankful for each day. I’ve done this now for about 6 months and can see a dramatic difference in my perception on things. Simple things like a hot cup of coffee each day or my dog, good friends and time with my family, clients to help with meaningful work. This practice is a pointed way to move our focus from lack to abundance. There will always be things to complain or blame over including the ever popular inflation, politics, the weather and other changing factors. We are the consistent variable and our internal view (perception) matters.
Change is a Catalyst and the Way Forward
I believe that committed couples must evolve in their own unique ways and learn to make decisions together.
Change is a catalyst. The natural progression in life is through growth. We are constantly outgrowing and shedding the old and becoming the new. Think biologically about hair, nails and skin. The natural progression is to shed the old and to receive through change the new. When we hold too tightly for too long to what is being discarded it’s often an opportunity for the necessary discomfort to release one thing and to receive others. When I was a child I had to have a few of my teeth pulled because the first set was being moved out in preparation for the new. I didn’t understand this at the time. We can cling to what we know and what is familiar. Change can feel scary and we tend to fear the unknown. This is where faith grows and we learn what is possible. I am learning with gratitude that the people, places and things that I once thought were holding me back were key players providing opportunities for me to see more clearly what is possible. I can say, thank you for what was and embrace the changes knowing that something beautiful is happening Now. I am not a victim of my circumstances and I am learning that change is the way. I am open to opportunities and help around me and realize now that change is the way. Seeds and pruning also prove to be a process to growth and abundance. Think of the caterpillar and the butterfly - when we embrace change we are opening ourselves to something far beyond what we can think or imagine.
“The greatest and most important problems of life are all in a certain sense insoluble...They can never be solved, but only outgrown...This ‘outgrowing’, as I formerly called it, on further experience was seen to consist in a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest arose on the person’s horizon, and through this widening of the view, the insoluble problem lost its urgency. It was not solved logically in its own terms, but faded out when confronted with a new and stronger tendency.”
With faith we can choose to see the good. For example, it’s good that we’re communicating even if we disagree. I’m thankful that you feel comfortable to share what you think and believe. Let’s now learn from one another’s perspective and experience and respect the journey you’re on and find ways to continue to make good decisions together. If you’re a couple or parent that’s struggling what we can do right now is pay attention to the default patterns at play in the relationship. Over time these patterns can become more predictable. Each person is likely still functioning the ways they have since assigned earlier in life in childhood or maybe the pattern is changing and that appears to be a problem. Today is another opportunity to learn from the other person what this is like for them, tune in and hold on as change has a way of taking you through what feels like storms in life. The boat will be rocked. Rather than resisting the change, the very catalyst and way forward - embrace and surrender to the change. Work together as a team, be gentle with yourself, observe the patterns and do something differently.
Welcome change, it is the way forward.
Inquire within and ask, what thoughts are we still thinking that have us caught in spirals of shame, doubt, hyper-vigilance and ongoing internal pain? We embrace change and choose to focus on thinking clearly with positive reframes like coming from a place of abundance rather than lack and opportunity to learn rather than inconvenience and a constant need for comfort at all times to meet our every preference. This is what some have called the “Spiritual gym” and it’s a sure workout! We are learning to care for ourselves and to provide appropriate care to others by observing and frankly protecting ourselves from the very thoughts we think. By doing so we invest in powerful beliefs that will increase our faith and open us to new ways of living.
Hurry can Lead to Impatience, Missteps and Unnecessary Suffering
We can agree that it will take time and intention to navigate very difficult situations. When we feel misunderstood, stuck, trapped or controlled we often can come up against the feeling of hurry. Hurry breeds impatience and strife. You’ll see below that while it’s okay to have a healthy sense of urgency, hurry can lead to unnecessary suffering. Since people often do what is their default pattern some hide, blab, ask everyone around them what to do, go on attack, accommodate, blame, etc. We tend to do what we’ve learned earlier in life because it’s familiar. Doing what’s familiar often brings immediate comfort and provides temporary relief because it, in the moment feels safer than the alternative: uncertainty and unpredictability.
This is a good time to step back and consider doing something differently than what brings immediate and temporary gratification. Before reacting as you would, consider actively letting time pass and allow the situation to slow down. You can take a break by going for a walk, engage in deep breathing and remember there is no hurry unless this is truly an emergency and we know that is rare. When we feel pressured due to lack of time and discomfort we often continue to do what’s comfortable, familiar and provides relief. This is why family dynamics and relationships with couples and families tend to remain caught in the old patterns. Nathan Robinson, Creative Consultant with Showoff Creative says, “No rush, no delay.” We often blame the problem on a perceived lack of time rather than acknowledging the patterns at play.
Take the time necessary to grieve, truly learn from the experience, pay attention to your thoughts and what you’re telling yourself. Ask yourself, am I outgrowing something? Have I extracted the full value of the past experience and am I ready to choose to focus on the good. By doing so you will likely release what has been stored. This is good use of time.
Your healing may be closer than you think.
“The solution to an overbusy life is not more time. It’s to slow down and simplify our lives around what really matters.”
I came across this message from Morgan Housel, “Controlling your time is the highest dividend that money pays. The ability to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want is priceless. As soon as you start thinking probabilities, all kinds of things change. You'll prepare for risks you disregarded before.”
Consider this challenge:
Step 1: Take personal inventory and record by writing down what you value and prioritize most.
Step 2: Ask yourself how you are using opportunities and assets best to promote the meaningful in your life?
Tune in to the next article, “What I’m Learning: Part 2” that will include the wonderful power of change - the catalyst that helps us let go of the past and the fear of the future and be here now.
Let’s See What’s Possible Together!
Resources that Have Been Helpful in the Learning
Conversations on Surrender with Michael Singer
The book “No Bad Parts” by Richard Schwartz
Nathan Robinson, Creative Consultation with Showoff Creative
Reading and Resources from Jen Sincero
Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC. Josh’s Life’s Work is to Create and Capture an Intimate Experience that Makes Room for Hope and Healing. Josh is Passionate about Empowering Meaningful Change in People with Counseling and Growing Communities with Team Engagement and Development. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!
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