Because...I am Enough
Photo from https://henrinouwen.org
How would you live your life differently if those who know you were there to stay and will love you no matter what and won’t leave you?
For me, that would change everything. In order for that to be true I must also believe something about who I am. No longer would I exhaust myself trying to be good enough, perform well enough, be enough, but certainly not too much…
To live truly out of who I really am I need to see myself more like Jesus does and not seek the approval of others to where it hurts me.
“We come into the world looking for someone looking for us, and we never stop”
There is Power in Being Known.
Dr. Dan Siegel describes the four S’s of secure attachment including:
Seen
Soothed
Safe
Secure
Siegel helped pioneer the Wide Window of Tolerance including the Green, Red and Blue Zones depending on arousal.
Green Zone: Calm, excited and assertive
Red Zone: Anxiety, Panic, Restlessness, Emotional Flooding, Hostility/Rage
Blue Zone: Isolated and misunderstood can slowly lead to feelings of Depression, Disconnection, Withdrawn Shame and Isolation
Check In with Yourself
Check in with myself - how am I feeling? Online/offline - Red Zone or Blue Zone?
Breathe and Self-soothe
Prayer and meditation, share and be still…
Relax. Observe what’s happening around me.
Repeat this, “I am okay - this is challenging and I’m okay.”
Acknowledge and Accept how I’m feeling without negative personal judgment or immediate reaction
Let Go
Reach Out to Safe Spaces and Safe People
Is this a safe space? If not, go to a safe space in town:
Safe People: Reach out to safe people and share what has happened, how I’m feeling and tell them how they can help me
So Why are We so Afraid to Be Known?
Dr. Robert Glover says that our formative experiences can impact us, "These abandonment experiences and the naïve, ego-centered interpretation of them, creates a belief in some young children that it is not acceptable for them to be who they are, just as they are. They conclude that there must be something wrong with them which causes the important people in their lives to abandon them.”
The Truth
Dr. Glover goes on to bring accuracy to this way of thinking, "They are not caused by something about them, but by the people who are supposed to recognize and meet their needs....Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one is bad."
It would be good for us to share the responsibility and allow others to have their part. At some point each of us did our very best to keep each party happy and proud. With good intentions, we wanted to be enough, but never too much. What an impossible mission. This tends to lead to performance over presence, resentment and outbursts, and unhealthy patterns.
Why not take a good look at this. Take a good look at who we are. Because of the great love of God we are enough. Let’s continue the conversation in safe spaces with safe people. Let’s also live with faith, okay as we are and enough.
“How will I now live my life differently knowing those who know me are here to stay and will love me no matter what and won’t leave me?”
Let’s step out and live courageously today.
Josh Neuer is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Greenville, SC. Josh helps individuals, families, businesses and communities receive hope and healing that literally changes the world! Josh is passionate about empowering meaningful change in people including growing communities and team cultures. He is the founder of Joshua Neuer, LLC Counseling, a committed husband and father, and is absolutely crazy about relationships!